I use to think that if I blogged and wrote out my feelings... that it would help. Ha ha. yeah right. Why am I writing this now? Boredom. Curiosity. Insanity. I was told tanning would help. $100.00 later, broke and still miserable. I don't recall the last time I was truely happy. What is happiness? I don't remember.

So emotional I cry at everything. Song on the radio, commercial on tv, rude customer, dreams, random thoughts. Just at life in general. We have a 24 hour employee assistance program for personal counseling so I thought maybe I should call for help... because it's not normal to be this un-happy, right? So I call. No answer. Maybe they're on lunch... tried again later... five rings go by. No answer. Six. still no answer? Do they not have an answering machine? What if this were an emergency and I was calling to say I'm thinking of taking this bottle of Nyquil mixed with my mouthwash and tylenol? I think I'd leave a note that said THANKS EAP for ALL of your help!

Too bad that will not happen. I'm too much of a chicken to do anything like that. Scary thought to end it all. Although it seems like the easy way out- never know what may really be waiting for you on the other side. So I try and tough it out and stay strong. How can someone stay strong being this lonely and sad?

Argh I hate my life! And the bad part is I know it's really not as bad as it could be so why should I be able to complain?! I should just shut up and keep to myself. But I always keep to myself. I'm so timid and quiet. I never speak out. I get taken advantage of by everyone I know because I think I'm helping. I always try to help. Someone once said the best way to describe me is "nonconfrontational."

Do I write this for attention? Possibly. Because as I'm writing this I'm thinking... why bother? No one is going to take the time and read this crap anyways. No one is going to care about my sad pathetic excuse of existence. What does that phrase say: Never frown because you never know who is in love with your smile? Ha ha. I sit in front of a computer 14-16 hours a day. And when I'm not staring at my computer I'm staring at my television or my eyes are shut because I'm sleeping.

Did I mention I have a boyfriend? Yeah, but I see him maybe once a week. And we live together. Isn't that fabulous? Our schedules are completely opposite so we never see each other anymore. When we have time to hang out there's no more excitement. I'll ask if he wants to go out and do something. Nope. Just wants to watch tv on the couch. Sometimes order out food. No affection. No love making. Barely getting kisses anymore. I cater to his every need. Starting to feel more like his mother than a lover.

Hmmm... so writing all of this do I feel better? Nope. Just makes me feel worse thinking back on all of this stuff. And makes me think of even more stuff that is wrong.

Have to head out for now to leave work. Go back at home. By myself and sit in front of the computer for another 2 hours.

Good night and good luck.

So it's been a few months now since you've been working at the bar. 10-2 am 5-6 days a week. Horrible pay. Overstressed. Overworked. Hardly ever home. It's been hard, but I'm always here. Always supportive. Always cleaning, cooking, paying bills, buying groceries. Always the one trying to talk and have a converstation. Always the one trying to make jokes and lighten the mood. Always the one at fault.

I've been shut out so many times. You assume I know everything without telling me. I to knew you had to work Friday - Wednesday because the time has already passed and you haven't been here. It's closed Thursday so you're off. How was I to know you had to work again the following Friday- Monday again. You never talk to me anymore. You never smile or laugh when you're with me. I know that this job is doing a lot to you, but it's doing a lot to me to. To us. I offered to make breakfast this morning. No time. And you snapped at me, "I don't have time for this, I don't have time to talk." I'm sorry. What am I suppose to do? Sit here and take it with a grain of salt? I always do.

 I'm always patient. I don't like to fight so I just keep it inside. Fighting is just going to make things even more difficult. If I seem upset that you're off to work, it's because I'm upset I don't get to spend enough time with you. I recall before you were working there we had dinner every night. We cuddled and just layed there enjoying each others company. You would send me cute messages on how much you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. We would make love at least twice a week. It's not like that anymore. I understand that things change and people adapt. I just don't where to go from here. What do I do? I feel that I'm always at fault.

Do you remember the Friends episode where they all consider what five celebrities would be on their "freebie list"--people they can sleep with without anyone getting upset? Even if you were in a relationship, if this celebrity came on to you, it was an "exception"?

Mine is Ryan Reynolds, Channing Tatum and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. My boyfriend's is Anna Farris, Jessica Alba and Ali Larter. 

 Do you have a list with your SO? If so who are the celebrities?